The first, without Shazreh…

without Shaail…

without Azmeh…

without Batul Auntie.

Lets do the math:

5 opportunities per day to pray for forgiveness and mercy on their behalf X 30 days= 150 prayers.

I wish I knew if it would do any good…

9:00 Wake up to go shop for more flan ingredients

9:30 Remix and prepare flan

10:00 Begin baking flan

10:30 Fry samosas for PSA meeting

11:00-12:00 Check for finished flan/Finish writing paper for J201

1:30-4:15 Class

4:15 Bake samosas for meeting

4:30-5:45 PSA Call-Out meeting

6:00-7:15 Orgo lecture

7:30 Purchase and put together volunteer packs for my Convention volunteers for Thursday

Somewhere in between, I need to buy the rest of my textbooks, meet up with a friend to exchange books, go to the bank and do my laundry to pack for Columbus on Thursday. Lets just say I’m a little stressed…

I should be writing a paper, but I don’t see how I could get anything done when I’m so damn pissed.  So where to start? See, I don’ really know who to peg as most inconsiderate after today’s events: My Employer- which comprises of a national organization made up of the most UNorganized people I have ever met, My mother-who seems to think that I have absolutely no responsibilities or homework and seems disinclined to believe me when I say I have either or both, or my friends-who seem to think I should have ALL the time in the world for them, yet have none for me.

Lets start with my employer. I won’t say what the organization is, but suffice to say that it is a nationally recognized non-profit organization that you would expect to have its affairs in order when necessary. But 2 days before the biggest convention of the year, I am called in at 9 pm to finish work that isn’t even in my department…work that should have been done a week ago.  But thats the problem with working with other desi people-they don’t know the meaning of a ‘deadline.’ Yes its very funny to make fun of desis and their habit of arriving/doing things late-but seriously, the joke’s old. Desi people need to get their shit together and realize that the rest of the world does not wait for them to catch up…especially when people in that world have so much on their plate already, and do not need to add a 9 pm call to have envelopes stuffed with thank you letters. You can be sure I will be sending a long and detailed rant similar to this one once my tenure with the company is over-aka next week. Expect a report.

Lets move on to my mother. Oh there’s so much I can say on this topic-like the fact that my journalism major is seen as a shit major and the fact that any homework I receive is not perceived as ‘real work’.  She always jokes to other parents that “the schools my kids go to never give homework” because apparently she never sees us doing any. Funny, I had a 3.8 all through out high school, and that wasn’t by picking my nose all year.  I got a full ride to IU AND scholarships to an out-of-state private school and I sure as hell didn’t get it by sleeping through class and NOT doing homework. So how in God’s name would I get through college without doing any homework?! On top of getting schoolwork done, I work and have major positions in two campus organizations, so I don’t exactly have spare time to sit and twiddle my thumbs. And yet, on the one night where I need to manage my time precisely in order to get things done for the next day, I am given a midnight order of flan: A dessert so unimportant and trivial (and frankly impossible to make since our oven is on the fritz) that it infuriates me to think about having to spend the 1.5 hours it takes to make it. But i agreed nonetheless, knowing that we had guests coming the next day and my mom wanted to have something nice for dessert. But it would have helped to know about this, oh i dont know, about 6 hours earlier. Of course when I started making it, everything had to go wrong, including the damn blender leaking out allllll the flan mixture onto the counter. Thus wasting the 30 minutes i spent getting the freaking mix ready, and then I wasted ANOTHER 30 minutes wiping up the sticky mess off the counter.  Since this mishap used up all the flan supplies, not only did I waste over an hour on the whole damn fiasco, but I had no more ingredients to finish the job. Awesome.

This means I have to wake up about two hours earlier tomorrow, to go buy the ingredients and finish making the flan before class…and before my moms guests come over for lunch. Even Awesomer.

Now lets go to my ‘friends.’ I think I am right to say that I am always there for my friends when they need me. Always there to listen, to talk to, to give advice, and I expect them to return the favor. But it seems that loud, outgoing me is only good for a laugh, to provide some entertainment, to have a good time.  I’ll admit, I have a hard time talking about “feelings” and all that, but I am not a hard person to talk to. Yet, deep conversations-anything beyond jokes-are rare. Anytime I have a problem, its not “whats wrong, tell me so I can help” its…”haha you’re so funny, i bet its nothing”. I’m going to be honest…..honestly, half the time I ask anyone “whats wrong?”….I don’t give a damn. I really don’t. I mean, I’ll care to a point, but then after that, I think “why do I/should I care when he/she probably wouldn’t ask ME ‘whats wrong’ were the situation reversed”. I also don’t like mind games-I don’t like girls and their bitchy-ness enough to play the mind games you must play in order to be popular, and I don’t like guys enough to play their mind games which I guess they do when they’re trying to flirt? I’m not exactly learned in the Ways of Flirting but regardless, I don’t have the patience for either. So if a girl is being a b!tch-I could care less, it doesn’t bother me and I will hardly try to rectify the situation because I can’t care enough to be bothered by it. If a guy is playing stupid mind games, I honestly don’t care enough about any guy to play the game. I was asked once why I ‘settle’ for friends…and here is my answer. My one best friend is gone…and even she disappointed me, because everyone does at some point. After Shaz passed away-I made the choice to cut off contact with alot of friends, and kept a select few. True theres things I don’t like about every friend, and I’m sure they would say the same about me, but I chose to deal with it because beggars can’t be choosers right? Its not like my range of friends is like what it was in high school-and I did that to myself. But I’m tired of settling. I’m tired of always being the one others can lean on, but having no one myself. I’m tired of always hoping that the next person I meet won’t be one that disappoints me, and then finding out I hoped in vain. I’ll admit that my expectations in friends and the people I meet are somewhat high, but I just wish someone could come close to meeting them.

Today’s events have just been a series of unfortunate events-a bunch of issues just piling on each other until those, coupled with the stress I was already carrying finally just made me snap. But to make things clear-and I realize this post has the potential to make many angry-I never say anything I don’t mean. I might feel bad for saying it…but i always speak my mind. True, little good ever comes of speaking my mind (as I’m often told by my mother-go figure), but afterall…in the words of Laurel Thatcher Ulric….

Quote of the Day/Blog:

“Well-behaved women rarely make history.”

Laurel Thatcher Ulrich-historian

1. A trusted friend
2. An inspiring writer
3. A good Muslim
4. A published author
5. The subject of a magazine spread
6. A mother
7. A wealthy donor
8. A good better* daughter [Edited by Bears]
9. A teacher
10. An artist
11. A sponsor of Orphanages/Shelters around the world
12. An adviser or mentor
13. A good cook
14. Well-traveled

and so much more. So what will I accomplish of this list, if anything? …we shall just have to wait and see…

Quote of the Day/Blog:

“Aspire rather to be a hero than merely appear one”

-Baltasar Gracian, Spanish Philosopher

“Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens,
bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens,
brown paper packages tied up with strings,
these are a few of my favorite things.

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels,
door bells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles.
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings.
these are a few of my favorite things.

Girls in a white dresses with a blue satin sashes,
snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes,
silver white winters that melt into springs,
these are a few of my favorite things.

When the dog bites, when the bee stings,
when I’m feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
and then I don’t feel so bad.“

A Few of My Favorite Things:

1. Lindt Chocolate
2. Playful Kittens
3. A Cool Sunrise and a Warm Sunset
4. A Spring Breeze
5. Flowers on My Birthday
6. Yellow Roses
7. Chandelier Earrings
8. Blue and Green
9. Sightseeing
10. Dancing Like No One’s Watching
11. Curling Up With A Good Book Next to the Fire
12. Music that Moves
13. Feeling Loved
14. Seeing A Smile On the Faces of the Anguished-and Knowing That I Put it There
15. Scrapbooking
16. Warm Hugs
17. Deep and Intellectual Conversations
18. The Sound of the Ocean
19. Warm Towels Fresh Out of the Dryer
20. Being Spontaneous
    
21. Meeting New People and Making New Friends
22. The Rush and Danger of Thrill-Seeking
    
23. Playing Games [not the mind kind ;]
24. Cheesecake
25. Horseback Riding
26. Going on Adventures

Quote of the Day/Blog:

“Madness is like Gravity…all it takes is a little push.”

- Heath Ledger as The Joker

1. Ride a Gondola in Italy
2. Write a Book
3. Go Skydiving
4. Run a (mini =) Marathon
5. Build an Orphanage/Women’s Home in Pakistan
6. Learn to ride a Motorcycle
7. Visit all the Wonders of the World: The Pyramids, The Coloseum, The Great Wall, The Leaning Tower of Pisa, The Hanging Gardens of Babylon, Stonehenge [√], The Parthenon, The Statue of Zeus, The Porcelain Tower of Nanjing and more…
8. See the Northern Lights in Person
9. Pray in the Great Mosque of Cordoba
10. Dive Off of a Cliff in the Amazon
11. Go to Hajj
12. Honeymoon in Ireland
13. Be an Extra in a Movie
14. Snorkel at the Great Barrier Reef
15. Go on an African Safari
16. Climb a Hawaiian Volcano
17. Surf the Waves in Australia

I’ll be adding more soon…

Quotes of the Day/Blog:

“Travel, in the younger sort, is a part of education; in the elder, a part of experience.”

-Sir Francis Bacon

“Try a thing you haven’t tried before 3 times– once to get over the fear, once to find out how to do it, and a third time to find out whether you like it or not.”

- Virgil Thomson

December 2007 was the first time any one of my friends saw me cry. Even then, after the losses we’d experienced, I guess I still didn’t cry as much as people would expect. People kept saying “Oh, you’re so strong!” and “You’ve kept it together so well, I wish I was that strong.” It bothered me (and still does) that people would think that me not crying was a show of strength. That’s hardly the case. I think those weeks following the accident were some of the hardest and darkest days of my life. People would ask if I was ‘Okay,’ and I would say “sure! I’m moving on,” but only because that was what was expected. I still remember the dark thoughts I had, the crippling moments of grief and guilt with embarrassment. Not because they were so wrong, self-loathing and a form of self-inflicted pain, but because I knew that the ‘depression’ I was feeling was yet another form of emotion that others may get a glimpse of if I let my happy armor down.

In more recent months, the depression I felt has ebbed, and the tears don’t come as often or as easily, but it still bothers me that they come at all. This hatred of show of emotion does not apply for all. In fact, I like hearing about other peoples feelings and knowing what they’re thinking- I just hate talking about my OWN feelings.

This is where my view on love comes in.

Its not that I don’t “love” anyone-its human nature! But love is the strongest emotion anyone can feel. It is also the most damaging. If I didn’t love Shazreh so much, then her death wouldn’t have affected me as much. If my friend didn’t love her husband so much, she wouldn’t have been so hurt when he left her. I think the fact that my family didn’t raise us to express our love is a part of why I find it so difficult to tell someone I love them. Whether its my family-brothers and parents, friends, etc, I find it hard to say the words “I love you” or anything similiar. When I told one of my friends this, she took to saying “i lub you” which seemed to come slightly easier. But its also the thought and feeling behind the words that prevent me from saying even “i lub you.” Whether you use the word “love”, “luv”, “lub” or even replace the words altogether with a heart, the expression is still the same: the expression of love.

Love is just too personal for me. It can be used as a weapon, and hurt you even when its not intended to. I’ve tried to loosen up when it comes to replying to a friends “i love you” but being unemotional when it comes to the aspect of expressing love that sometimes the words sound empty, even to me, out of habit, not consciousness.

I don’t mean to say that I tell my friends and family “I love you” without really meaning it. I DO love my friends and family, I just find it hard to seriously say the words because that would be a show of emotion-something that goes against my nature…

but I’m working on it, I promise! Lets just take baby steps though, and start with “i lub you!” =]

Quotes of the Day/Blog:

“Love means exposing yourself to the pain of being hurt, deeply hurt by someone you trust.”

-Renita Weems

“But some emotions don’t make a lot of noise. It’s hard to hear pride, caring is real faint-like a heartbeat, and pure love-why, some days, its so quiet, you don’t even know it’s there.”

-Anonymous

Philosophy is usually one of those b.s. classes you take for that easy A, but every once in a while, you come across a notion that really makes you THINK…

Before my God-fearing peers (Muslims in particular, lol) disown me for what seems like doubt in God’s existence, i assure you, I believe He does exist.

…but for the sake of discussion, why does one even make the decision to believe in God(s)? Why does one need to believe in an entity that one can not see, hear, touch, feel? Sure there’s the idea that we must believe in God, pray to him, remember him and thank him so we can get the ultimate reward: Heaven, but why do we believe in Heaven then, in the first place? What compels us to believe that God exists wholeheartedly? What does this say about humans and human nature that we follow such an ‘idea’ as God so wholeheartedly when little evidence of God exists.

There is no evidence that he exists of course, other than the words of them that lived thousand of years ago. Sure, people can argue that they can ‘feel’ God when they have ‘divine’ visions, witness a miracle, etc etc. But there is nothing concrete. Apparently, we’ll only really find out that God exists when we die, and really, who cares by then, especially if you don’t believe he exists and you’re right?

In Philosophy, we discussed the fact that humans require a focus. They [we] must have incentive to do good [heaven], and a deterrent from doing bad [Hell]. This focus, a means to an end (heaven, preferably) is supposed to drive man to do good.

But then, take atheists, for example. They do not believe in God, yet they still lead normal, healthy lives. They have good consciences and know the difference between right and wrong, but with out any religious edicts regulating their thoughts and actions.

Every single person who believes in “God” has a different image and impression of “God”. One person may believe God speaks literally in his Books. Another may believe that God intends man to make his own decision on the meaning of a verse or line in the Books, according to his or her intelligence. If no two perceptions of God are the same, then is each person only accountable for what they believe their perception of Him will accept? In some cases, it seems that believing in God is enough. Its a start.

So though people ‘believe’ in God, how much of what they do is really fueled by their love for God? If a person is God-fearing, and happens upon a scenario in which they feel unabound hatred towards a person and would wish nothing more than to kill them as violently as possible, is it their love for God that prevents them? Or is the fact that they may be put to death for taking another man’s life? Is one better than the other if, in the end, the man is not murdered?

Lets go back to the Atheists vs God-fearing scenario: If we believe in God, but are sinners, is that better than not believing in God and being genuinely good? Wouldn’t it just be better if our actions were dictated and determined by our wish to do good according to our conscience? That would be something concrete because it would be logic created by something solid: our lives. Whereas God is a concept, an unattainable force.

This debate could not possible by complete without talking about the definitions of ‘good’ and ‘evil.’ God is said to be universally good, and yet bad things happen–why? Is God really good? Is God bad? Is he both, or is he neither? This is a never-ending circle, the debate over the existence of God, good vs evil–much like right vs wrong, there can be no REAL winner without concrete answers.

I believe this: To not believe in God would be a bigger mistake, than to believe in Him. By believing in Him, you not only have the piece of mind that having SOME explanation as to what the hell we’re all doing here, but you also guarantee a chance at heaven if He really DOES exist.

It would suck to deny His existence all your life, only to find out that you had been wrong all along. And by then, it would be too late…Do you really want to take that chance?

Quote of the Day/Blog:

“Faith is different from proof; the latter is human, the former is a gift from God.”

-Blaise Pascal